It’s 2:30 in the afternoon and you are sitting inside the classroom, quietly waiting for your Professor to come in. Today is the first day of classes and you have just barely survived your struggles from last semester, academically and emotionally speaking. You’re on the precipice of making a decision that will forever change your life, but you’re confused. You’re weary, and tired, but your soul is restless.
Suddenly, your Professor comes walking in. He then proceeds to tell you about your subject requirements. To the surprise of the whole class, he’s already giving the topic for your last activity. How do you build meaning into your life?
You remember feeling funny and frustrated. Definitely, frustrated. How do you answer such a question when you’re not even sure what you want to do for the rest of your life? How can you answer such a question when you’re doubting every single thing you have done up to where you are right now?
That was exactly how I felt. Those were the thoughts running inside my head while Sir continues to discuss his requirements. I’m 19, three years into college and I am in a bad relationship. But not the kind you’re thinking.
I am in a course where “I’m the only one doing all the loving,” to quote my best friend who is also in this class. Being in my course is like being in a bad relationship. You know when you love someone but you can’t fully love him? Or her? When you try your hardest, but you just can’t seem to find it in you to love his or her parts that you hate dealing with? I’m 19 and I have no idea what to do. #19tindihan ko na? No. 19 and lost.
So how do I build meaning into my life?
I think the first question that I should be asking myself is what is the meaning of my life and where does it come from?
It’s funny how you’ve always known something, but haven’t fully grasped it yet. According to Psych Central, “meaning comes from the way in which we look at things, the perspective we take, and the value we place on the experience.” I think I’ve always known this but I just needed a reminder, for this speech and for whatever I’m going through right now, that I may feel lost but I’m not really lost per se.
To quote Jamie Varon, “sometimes you need two more years of life experience before you can make your masterpiece into something that will feel real and true and raw to other people.” That I am as I am until I am not, and that wherever I am right now is what becomes my identity later.
Maybe it was during Miss Engineering that I was reminded where the meaning of my life comes from. When I was running after a half-naked guy wearing a wig and make up. Or when I was watching said guy make his last walk on stage and hearing our organization cheer for him, for us, with all of their hearts and screaming at the top of their lungs.
Maybe it was during the plebiscite for my organization’s flagship event, IEshikawa. When I was letting my thoughts run without filter. When I was telling them of my honest opinions, persuading them to make the decision that I think is best for everybody, and seeing them respond favourably.
Or maybe it was when I opened my box of letters from people that mattered, and people that were just passing by. When I was reminded of how much they see something in me that I couldn’t see, of how much they believe in me even when I couldn’t.
But maybe it was all of these things. Because meaning, meaning really does come from the way in which we look at things, the perspective we take, and the value we place on the experience.
My meaning comes from the time I performed in the play Phantom of the Opera back in high school. It comes from the countless hours I spent sweating profusely while practicing for my role.
It is from the pride my organization felt when our group won second in the Engineering Film Festival. When happiness was so evident that time, I swear it was tangible.
It is from the different people I meet as the current ambassador of our university to the Philippine Institute of Industrial Engineers. It comes from the connections we made as we shared experiences with each other.
It comes from the moment I presented our organization to my whole college, in Engineering Organizations Excellence Awards and proceeded to win third place. It is from how my body was betraying myself when I was presenting, how my hands were shaking really badly.
It is in the emotions I felt while I was listening to him talk from the backseat of his car, hanging onto his every word, and falling; falling once again but only deeper this time.
It is in her words and how much it reminds me of the moon, beautiful but lonely. It is in how I started to wonder how ruined she was for weaving words like those of thorns and roses.
When I finally tried to answer the question, I wanted to include a variety of things. That I build meaning into my life by faking it ‘till I make it, or by believing that “there are years that ask questions and years that answer them,” to quote Their Eyes Were Watching God.
I wanted to answer it is through dying, because “death gives us our absolute reason for living. It provides us with the structure of how we appreciate and how we guide our lives,” according to the essay Accepting Dying and Death.
Most of all I wanted to answer that when I see someone who needs saving, I go and save that someone. Hooray for altruism, right?
But I know that, even though these things are valid and great answers, they aren’t the ones closest to my heart.
My meaning comes from all of those experiences I mentioned before, and more. Because after all, we, are the sum of all the moments in our lives.
To ultimately answer the question, I build meaning into my life by choosing the choices I commit to and just breathing in the moments.
To notice before it’s too late.
a collection of dismantled almosts 