Hello! It’s been awhile since I last wrote something I felt I needed to share, but I’m 18, studying Industrial Engineering in a university that lives and breathes honor and excellence.

Excellence.

Well that’s a big, daunting word. I mean, how can I excel when half most of the time I don’t even know what I’m doing.

I’m 18, three years into college and I have already failed a lot of subjects. Not for lack of trying though. I’m in a course where “I’m the only one doing all the loving,” to quote my best friend.

And maybe, I am really the only one.

It’s like being in a bad relationship. I told my family yesterday.

We all had that, didn’t we? May it be a romantic or a friendly one.

You know when you love someone but you can’t fully love him.  Or her. When you try your hardest but you just can’t seem to find it in you to love the things you hate dealing with.

But you stay. You still stay because you’re thinking you’re in this for the long haul. You’ve already committed this much, might as well see this through.

And the cracks started showing but you can’t see them. Or maybe you just chose to ignore the little warning signs.

So you stay. You stay because this is what you know. You stay because you can’t let go of the time and effort you already spent in the relationship. Sayang. You think it’s sayang.

Being in my course is like being in a bad relationship.

You stay and you try to make it work. Because you want to. Because you feel like you need to. And just because you don’t want to feel like you gave up.

But sooner or later Honey, something’s got to give.

And I’m finally, finally close to the point of no return. I’m on the precipice of making that decision that will forever change my life. For the better or for the worse, I don’t know yet.

I can either leave while I still can, while it’s not too late. Or I can stay. Stay and pray for a miracle. Stay and try to still love every facet of this “relationship” and to try harder. Harder than the hardest of my previous years.

I’m 18 and I have no idea what to do. 18 and lost. And I just pray to God that whatever decision I go with in the weeks to come will be the right one.

It’s going to make or break me. And I just hope it’s the former one. Not the latter.

Please not the latter.